Helping Your Partner With ‘Complicated Family’–VIDEO/BLOG

Light house with large ocean wave washing over it. Image represents how having a communication strategy helps couple resolve conflicts and practice how to apologize effectively. My New England Hold Me Tight workshops do this!

You probably have your own strategies for when you see your more ‘difficult’ relations. Seeing your partner struggle, though, through painful family drama can trigger a myriad of emotions in you: helplessness, frustration, isolation, and disconnect; to name a few.

You want to help your partner (which indirectly, will also help you), but are not sure how. This video/blog gives some concrete suggestions. For further ideas, I suggest you read my blog “How to be There for Your Partner”.

**A written version of the video can be read below.

Your Family Became My Family

Hello, my name is Bri McCarroll and I am the founder and primary couples therapist for New England Hold Me Tight. I help couples, through both retreats and workshops, to connect and communicate more authentically and on a deeper level in their relationships

Today, I want to talk about one of the challenges of holidays: when we have to interact with ‘complicated’ family members and the strain that it puts on our relationships. I think all of us have an understanding of what that’s like.  It can be really overwhelming for your partner but also overwhelming for you to see your partner struggle with family.  So I just want to give me a few ideas how to address that, because it’s real and it’s part of our human existence.

That being said, I want to encourage that you refer to a blog I wrote (it’s not a video).  It’s called “How to Be There for Your Partner.”  It’s on my blog and videos page.  Check that out; that will be helpful for you with this topic.

Couple seated with woman crying; husband is consoling her. This image is meant to portray better communication that happens with couples attending marriage counseling retreats in New England.

“Complicated’ Family Impacts You and Your Partner

Let’s start by imagining your partner has this complicated family dynamic coming up. Maybe it’s not even the holidays, maybe it’s something like a family visit, seeing family over some medical situation or someone passed and there’s going to be a funeral.  Whatever the circumstance, you know that a family ‘dynamic’ is coming up and you know your partner is going to be more vulnerable.

Your Partner May Become More Reactive

First of all, let’s think about this.  When your partner is more vulnerable, what may happen? He may be more reactive. When we are feeling more vulnerable, our defenses are going to go up.  This is biology, so we get that.  With our defenses up, we are more inclined to be reactive. And in that reactivity, although it might really be about the family issue, we might end up reacting to our partners.

Appreciate that your partner may be more reactive. So be thoughtful about that. 

Your Partner May Be Less Available For You

Understand that your partner may not be so present for you. Your partner is already using a lot of resources to handle things emotionally on his own.  So even though you may need him as well and maybe you are feeling awkward or uncomfortable in this family situation, your partner doesn’t have a lot of resources to share with you on that situation.  He is using a lot of his resources on his own stuff.  Because he may not be so available.

I’m going to encourage that, you, knowing that and knowing this ahead of time, that you try to find other resources.  Try not to tax your partner right now when he is already taxed.

Couple looking at each other unhappily over dessert. This image is meant to portray the disconnection a couple can change when they get relationship help from a Hold Me Tight Retreat in Massachusetts.

You Can Make a Difference

Help Your Partner Process the Feelings and Thoughts

Your partner may very well have all kinds of emotions and thoughts coming up.  He is not going to know what to do with them and he’s going to need to be able to express them in some way but may not know how to do so.  That’s when your ‘being there’ is really relevant.

Invite Conversation With Open Questions

I encourage you reach out to your partner every once in a while–before, during, and after the family interaction.  Say, “Hey would it be helpful that we talk?” or “I know this is complicated; why don’t we just kind of chill out and connect a little bit?”  

Do some invitations, and if he receives that, then start asking some of the “wh” questions (who/what/where/when/why/how) that are really opening questions to start a conversation.  Don’t use ‘cornering questions’, nor ‘yes/no’ questions.  You want to use opening questions like, “So what is this like for you?” or “How is it to see ‘so-and-so’?”

I know you’re not a therapist or maybe you are a therapist but I know it’s hard to be a therapist in your own relationship so I want you to think proactively what questions you could be asking that tend to open up conversations.  Think about that and practice a little bit.

'WH' words written on chalkboard with ? beside them. This is meant to convey communication skills couples learn after attending a private marriage retreat in New England or a private marriage retreat in Massachusetts.

Respond to Your Partner

When he responds to your questions, say things like, “Oh, that makes sense.  I can imagine for you it’s like blah blah blah.”  Show empathy

If you can’t show empathy or it doesn’t really make sense (and you’re kind of confused), if nothing else, just summarize what he said “So you’re saying blah blah blah, am I getting that right?” 

It’s OK If You Are Not Perfect

No matter what, you are trying to help your partner express and share part of his experience.  That will be helpful as it will reduce his distress.  As his stress is reduced, this helps you how? He will not be so on guard, as defensive.  Especially if you have had his back, he will be more willing and able to be vulnerable to you and connect with you

Again, what is this all about?  It’s about you guys connecting together again!

Woman consoling her sad boyfriend. This image is meant to represent improved emotional connection gained from Hold Me Tight couples workshops in Massachusetts, Hold Me Tight couples workshops in Maine, or Hold Me Tight couples workshops in Connecticut.

Putting It All Together

So again, if your partner is facing some dicey family interactions, three things I want you to do:

First of all, remember your partner might be a bit more reactive or defensive; he doesn’t have as many resources. If he is already a little anxious about family, he might be more reactive with you.  So be kind and be more patient, because your partner needs you to be that way.

Second of all, although you might be anxious and apprehensive and have all kinds of your own emotions, realize your partner may not be so available.  So try not to tax him; try to find other supports

Third, try to help your partner process what’s going on.  In the end, he really needs for you to have his back; he needs you to do that.  He may have a hard time asking and not know how to ask or express his emotions and thoughts. 

That’s when you need to use your little therapist skills and approach him.  See if he’s in any way, shape, or form, willing to talk.  If he is, use those open questions, those ‘wh’ questions.  “How do you feel?”, “What’s going on?”, or “What’s it like?”  When he responds, use empathy, validation, and summarize.

I’m going to make a therapist out of you yet; we’re working on your right?  Because by you doing that, what happens?  You are going to connect and in the end, that’s what we want. 

Lesbian couple laughing in country; connecting and communicating well. This image is meant to portray how well a lesbian couple can learn communication skills after attending Emotionally Focused Intensive Couples Therapy in New England.

Relationship Activity

For an activity, I encourage that you look at that blog “How to Be There for Your Partner.”  It’s on my blogs and videos webpage.  Check it out, because it will give you some ideas on other ways to be helpful and supportive to your partner when he is struggling.

Improve Communication and Connection With a Private Couples Therapy Intensive or Couples Workshop

Communication LOOKS so easy but it’s amazingly tough! You can have the best of intentions, but you end up stepping on eggshells and things ‘blow up’ seemingly out of nowhere. You don’t have to keep trying and getting exhausted or discouraged in the process. As challenging as relationships can be, there’s help. It’s just about doing things a little differently.

Stone walkway with garden beds on both sides, leading up to a bench. This image is meant to represent emotional connection and the ability to rebuild trust after attending a Hold Me Tight Workshop in Massachusetts with Bri McCarroll of New England Hold Me Tight.
Workshops and Retreats take place in a dedicated clinical space in a beautiful New England colonial home. This is the front walkway.

Private Couple Retreats (couples therapy intensives) and “Hold Me Tight®” Couples Workshops help you learn communication tools so you can resolve conflicts and re-connect. New England Hold Me Tight has skilled therapists and relationship coaches who specialize in helping couples like you who want to save a marriage or fix a relationship.

To start your path towards a healthier and more connected relationship, follow these simple steps:

1. Contact Bri McCarroll at New England Hold Me Tight.

2. Meet for a free 50-minute consultation (video).

3. Determine if a Private Couples Intensive (Retreat) or a Hold Me Tight Workshop® would be helpful to improve your relationship’s communication and connection.

4. Start to reconnect again.

Additional Relationship Tips (Free)

I want you to succeed, so consider learning some communication strategies and relationship skills NOW with my FREE  videos and blogs.

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Remember, I want you to succeed!

“Hold Me Tight®” is a registered trademark to Sue Johnson.  

Published by Bri McCarroll

As a therapist, gardener, and web designer, I enjoy nurturing and empowering others.

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